Coming to Texas?

[The Texan]

Any of ya'll coming to the great State need to keep the following in mind....

Rules to Enter Texas:

Applies to each person as they enter Texas.

Learn &remember:

East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!

1.. Pull your droopy pants up.

You look like an (Contact US Regarding This Word).

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."

I drive a pickup truck because I want to.

No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle &oil wells.

That's what they smell like to you.

They smell like money to us.

Get over it.

Don't like it?

I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south.

Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car.

We're impressed.

We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves.

It's called being friendly.

Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.

You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish &crawfish.

You really want sushi &caviar?

It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.

It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women.

That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.

Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce.

Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnaticall that stuff you eat... It AINT REAL CHILI!!

Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a tomato!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses.

But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas, TexasA&M or TexasTech.

They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas" If you do, it will get you whipped by the best.

17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:

"Texas can make it without the United States,

but the United Statescan't make it without Texas."

GOD BLESS TEXAS!!!

[genegodawa]

Lots of good statements to think about. Too bad most are being lost on the younger generation.

[gowdy]

Texan,

You forgot to talk about 'stock'. You know, that stuff you keep in the garbage can in the garage, then warm it up and serve over everything from pancakes to ice cream.

By the way, do you know when it is time to turn in for the night---when the hound dog tinkles on the camp fire!!!!!

Take care,

gowdy

[genegodawa]

Yeah Gowdy, easy to make fun of anyone that says "Y'all".

Ceptin' I thought they always followed that with "fixin'"?

You know, as in: "Y'all fixin' to come to Tejas?"

Hey, you going Friday night to the Injun's restaurant?

[ffishman]

Texas is my kind of place. Any place where you can carry you weapon openly and drink beer at the same time, now that's American. I bet you don't have many car jackings?

[The Texan]

Right on FF, cannot remember the last time I've heard of a carjacking....

Texan

[soldoncass]

no carjackings? hmmmmm ,there weren't many in dodge city either I heard. Shootings and cattle rustling, or horse thievery was rampant though ,I heard! Ha!!

Just joking around, guys, don't get all riled up now!

I enjoyed your "rules" list. I also agree with a lot of them and I 'm not from Texas, nor have I ever been there.

[The Texan]

Well, come on down!!! Looks like sunny skies and mid 70's for Christmas day

Texan

[soldoncass]

I was in a place once during Christmas that was hot, no snow, etc. , and it just didn't "feel" like the Christmas season to me. We who live up here "in God's country" all year round, kinda like it up here. Enjoy your day there as I shall up here.

[labdad]

Had to do a little digging but I found it, an oldie but a goodie.

RULES FOR VISITING MINNESOTA

1) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns: Fertile,Moorhead,

Climax, Cummings, Gentilly, or we will just HAVE to kick your a$$.

2) Don't order a bottle, can, or glass of soda. Up here

it's called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a$$ kicking.

3) We know our heritage. Most of us are far more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.

Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your a$$.

4) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a

living up here. Naturally, we do have small lapses in judgment from

time to time but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to

our state in order to run for Senate. If someone tried to do that, we

would kick her a$$ back to Arkansas.

5) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the

winter, so know your role and shut your mouth. Just spend your money

and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your a$$.

6) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner.

Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak

rare like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for

heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your a$$.

7) Don't try to fake a Minnesota accent. We don't have an accent.

Do NOT mention the movie "Fargo" as that will incite a riot and you

will get your a$$ kicked.

8) Don't talk about how much better things are at home

because we know better. Many of us have visited big city hell-holes like

Detroit, New York, Dallas, and L.A., and we have the scars to prove it. If

you don't like it here, Northwest Airlines is ready when you are. Move your a$$ on home before it gets kicked.

9) Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care.

If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's

10 below, then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor.

Also, if you hog the heater in the icehouse, we'll kick your a$$.

10) Don't complain that Minnesota doesn't really have 10,000 lakes.

We actually have more than 10,000, so if you whine, we'll kick your

(Contact US Regarding This Word) all the way back to that ghetto you call home.

11) So, you think we're quaint or losers because we live

in the Northwoods? That's because we have enough sense to not

live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A.

Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your a$$.

12) Don't b1tch about the mosquitoes. We have mosquitoes, you have

rats and roaches. After the mosquitoes are done with you, we'll kick your a$$ for complaining.

13) Last, but certainly not least, DON'T YOU DARE to come here and

tell us how the Vikings and Twins suck. Only Minnesotans and true

fans are allowed to knock 'em down. If you do, this will get your a$$ shot

(right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you'll go

home in a pine box. Minus your a$$.

Enjoy your stay! Explore Minnesota!

[soldoncass]

I THINK I noticed a theme in that, that doesn't match "Minnesota nice"!ha ! I have noticed that some people brag their state (or team) up and complain about something about Minnesota, but keep coming back to "vacation" here. The "actions" speak louder than words.ha!

Texan,

You anywhere near the wildfires? Sounds like it's a lot hotter than 70 in some places there these days.

Have a safe and sensible new year everybody.

[The Texan]

Man....lotta references to arse kickin's in that one

Soldon, yea guess it's now been a little too much down here. Safe from the fires thus far but you never know what a bunch of texans, beer and fireworks can stir up. Here in San Antonio, we are 17 inches behind on annual rainfall so yes, it's been a dry year.

Happy New Year to all, be safe and talk to you Next Year!!!

Texan

[gowdy]

Labdad,

I'm laughing so hard I can't take it any more.

That was great!!!!! And the references to getting a good tail whipping were right on.

I'm looking forward to retirement and moving up there. Love the place!!

Take care and Happy New Years to all!!

Gowdy

[The Texan]

Gowdy, go ahead and move in with Wind Headbird...maybe get a little government subsidy, and find you a nice squaw

[gowdy]

Texan,

I invited all my neighbors to be to come over for some of that Banana's foster that you make. They all heard how good it was.

[The Texan]

Going to add a little walleye stock to your bananas foster this year...spike it up a bit!!!

[gowdy]

I prefer the skunk stock. Keeps the mosquitoes away.

[The Texan]

Nah, figure with your lack of bathing and smoking those cheap arse cigars, no way we have a problem with mosquitos

Texan

[gowdy]

It's good for the nerves, also. People really give you a wide berth. For example, when you walk up to a line in a grocery store, everyone let's you go first. They get just begin to gag and get out of the way.