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FISHING JOKES


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My wife says fishing is just a jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other end of the line.

Da local game warden heard dat Ole was always limiting out on fish. Figuring he should check out dis rumor he decides to go fishing with Ole. Ole pulls up to one of his favorite spots on da river and thows out da anchor. Next he pulls out a stick of TNT, lights it and chucks it out into da water. After da huge explosion he proceeds to net some fish floating on the water. Well da game warden was shocked and proceeded to lecture Ole dat dis kind of fishing is very very illegal. So Ole being the quick thinker dat he is lights another stick of TNT, hands it to da game warden and says, So are you gonna fish or sit there and talk all day?

[This message has been edited by eyeguy54 (edited 08-20-2003).]

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Here's a couple more. Enjoy!

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!

Bill: Hey Phil, are you going fishing?
Phil: Yeah!
Bill: Ya got worms?
Phil: Yeah, but I'm still going!

"Three Men And A Baby" What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.

Two Wisconsins go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. 1st Wisconsin: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish. 2nd Wisconsin: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot. 1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you --- God?" The voice replied, "NO, I OWN THE ICE-RINK!"

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I got a joke but it relates more towards hunters...

One day the DNR got a call from a lady that said her neighbor was killing and eating loons. So the next day the DNR officer heads out to the guys house to investigate. When he arrives at the house the guy is outside in the yard and welcomes the DNR officer.

After the DNR officer talks to the man about the thing with the loons he realizes that the man is a pretty nice guy and decides to give him a break. The DNR told the man that because what he was told is only based on hear say that he would let the guy go free as long as it never happens again. The man was very greatful and thanked the DNR officer.

As the DNR officer was leaving he got a little curious about what a loon tastes like so he turned around and asked the man.

So what does a loon taste like asked the DNR officer.

And the man's response was, it tastes kinda like a mix between a trumpeter swam and a bald eagle.

I heard this joke from a guy up in Canada this summer.

Good Fishin,
Matt

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Two men are duck hunting on border water between Wi. and Mn. One of the hunters shoots a duck and was immediatly approached by a Wi. game warden. The warden then asked if the duck was a Mn. or Wi. duck. The hunters looked puzzled and said "Geez, I dont know". The warden lifted up the tail feathers and said, "This is a Mn. duck", Where are you guys from? The quick thinking hunters pulled down thier pants and bent over and said, "You tell me, your the expert"!!!

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Heres an old one I received.

A man with a pail of walleyes was stopped by the local game warden. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a fishing license to catch all those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take my pet fish, here, down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their pail, then we go back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish don't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you how it works."

"Alright, I have to see this!" The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The man asked.

------------------
Good Luck!

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GEEEZ......I had no idea ya'all were so full of the you know what. I'm enjoying the stories, and so will the kids. I like the pet fish one. Laughed hard...made up for gettin blown off Island lake tonight. I have one of my own...Did you hear the DNR crossed a koho with a walleye...they named the progeny a kowal. Then they crossed the kowal with a muskie....they called it a kowalski. Now they are having a heck of a time teaching it to swim... Keep em commin guys!

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Sven and Ole are driving down a country road and they see Lars out in the middle of a wheat field, in a boat, fishing.

"Oh Gee Whiz! Would you look at that! That dumb Lars! We should really go and tell him he ain't gonna catch no fish there!"

and Ole replies:

"Yep, we should....too bad we don't got a boat!"

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This one is vaguely related to fishing, it is intended to offend Vikings fans, and being a Vikings fan, I was at first offended, but then I had to admit, it was funny.

Two Minnesotans from International Falls went Ice fishing one day. The ice was pretty thin and they ended up falling through and drowning. They were not model citizens and therefore ended up in hell.

Now Satan has this habit of checking up on his new arrivals to make sure that they are adequately suffering, but when he came across the two Minnesotans, he found them wearing sweaters and playing a game of horseshoes.

"Don't you people know where you are?" Exclaimed the Devil. "You're supposed to be writhing in pain from the heat!"

"It's cold up in International Falls ya know, we don't get much warm weather up der. You got to take advantage of it when you get da chance."

This made the Devil mad. Seeing that obviously these two guys enjoyed the heat, he decided to make it hotter, so he cranked up the heat as hot as it would go.

"Let's see if they're playing horseshoes now." He said with a chuckle.

When he came back to check on the two Minnesotans, he found them wearing T-Shirts and having a barbecue.

"Don't you guys think it's hot?" Asked the devil. He received the same reply as before.

"It's cold up in International Falls ya know, we don't get much warm weather up der. You got to take advantage of it when you get da chance."

Now the Devil was furious. "If I can't make it any hotter, what am I supposed to do?" he thought to himself. Then he was struck by a brilliant idea. "I know, I'll make it cold. If the heat doesn't bother them, maybe the cold will."

The Devil then turned the heat off and went back to check on his new arrivals.

This time he found them wearing parkas and jumping up and down and screaming. "I've got them now!" he thought. Then he noticed them giving each other high fives and hugging. "What is it now? asked the Devil. "I make it hot and you enjoy it, then I make it cold and you're even more happy than before! I don't get it."

"Well ya see, da way we figure it. If hell froze over then da Vikings must have won da super bowl."

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Not anything to do with fishing or hunting....but here it is.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic, superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my **** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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Ole and Sven decide to go ice fishing. Since it was such a nice day, Sven decided to ride in the back of the pickup out to the spot. On the way there, Ole drove through a slush field and the truck went through. Ole was able to get out and got to the surface pretty fast. He pulled himself back up on the ice and saw no sign of Sven. Then, finally after what seemed like an eternity to Ole, Sven pops to the surface gasping for air. Ole says to Sven, "Holy Cripes Sven, I tot dat you were trownt!" "What da heck took you so long to get to da top?" Sven replies, "It took me a long time to get your dang rusty tailgate open!"

Earlier that fall, the two idiots had been out duck hunting. They were out there for hours and had no ducks at all. Finally, Ole says to Sven, "Cripes Amighty-we shoor ain't gettin' any dang ducks Sven!" "What da heck do you tink is wrong?" Sven says to Ole, "Vell, I tink dat you are not trowing the dog high enough!"

Ole's driving by Sven's place and sees a sign in the yard crudely painted that says "Boat for Sale." Knowing that Sven doesn't even have a boat (they always had rented one) Ole turns around and drives up into the yard. There he sees an old combine and an old tractor sitting on the lawn next to the sign. Ole says to Sven, "What da heck do you have dat sign for?" "It says "boat for sale" and you ain't even got no dang boat!" "It's a dang combine and a tractor!" To this, Sven replies, "Yeah, so what!" "Dey are boat for sale!"

Old fishermen never die-they just smell that way..............

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The old man wakes up at 4:30, it’s Saturday morning. He then begins his usual Saturday routine. He trudges through the dark and grabs his fishing duds which he set in the corner the night before. Once he is dressed, he makes his way to the kitchen, fixes himself a cup of coffee, and flips the TV on to the weather channel.

“Looks like rain.” he says to himself. “I’d better get going.”

He goes out to the garage and grabs his fishing gear. Then he steps outside, it’s a cool 60 degrees out. The boat is already hooked up to his truck and ready to go. He glances up at the sky and he sees heavy black clouds off to the west. He throws his gear in the boat and gets into the truck, starts the engine, puts it into drive, and heads down the driveway. He doesn’t even make it to the highway when it hits, torrential rain, 50 mph winds, lightning, and about a 20 degree drop in the temperature. He grudgingly turns the truck around, parks in front of his garage, and makes a mad dash for the house. He’s soaked when he gets in.

“Oh well.”, he thinks, “There’s always next Saturday.”

He gets undressed, puts on his warm, dry pajamas, and crawls back into bed. He snuggles up to his wife’s back, kisses her on the ear and says, “The weather is terrible out there!” To which she replies, “Yeah, can you believe my husband is out fishing in that crap!”

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Guy from the cities goes down to Mankato to fish walleye on the Minnesota and is getting skunked. He switches to spoons for pike and still - skunk. Throws dip-bait for cats and still - skunko.
He notices an old man in a rowboat a few yards away catching a 3' long fish that fights like mad and looks like a cross between a pike and a crocodile. "That looks like fun" he says to himself and goes over to talk to the guy.
"Say, whatcha catchin'?"
"Gar.", says the old man.
"You eat 'em?"
"Nope."
"Why ya fishin' for 'em?"
"Fun."
"Hmm. Would ya mind tellin' me how to catch 'em?"
"'Fraid not."
"Um, I came all the awy down from the cities and I'm gettin' skunked. Can't ya help a guy out?"
"'Fraid not."
Now, the city guy is getting a little frustrated, so he reaches into his wallet and pulls out a $20.00 bill and holding it out says,
"I'll give ya this $20.00 bill if you tell me what you're using."
The old man looks him in the eye, takes the $20.00, and says "'fraid not."
Well, the city boy is ready to climb in his boat and beat him down when the old man's rod goes nuts and he reels in another big gar. He reaches into it's toothy maw and pulls out a ragged wad of multi-colored rope.
"What the heck is that thing?"
The old man looks up and says,
"I been tellin' ya, boy. It's a frayed knot."

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JIG: Crude but effective artificial lure made of a metal head and some sort of dressing, designed to attract attention by its motion through the water rather then its actual resemblance to any particular food.

Jigs are the simplest and most ancient of fishing lures, and in fact the oldest known evidence of angling is a carved elkhorn jig found deeply embedded in the bark of a petrified tree trunk unearthed in an exceptionally well-preserved 14,000-year-old Swiss Lake Village. Nearby were the sharply broken remains of a wooden pole, 70 feet of tightly woven sheeps gut line, and a small leather pouch that held the skeleton of a single 2-inch-long minnow.

------------------
Good fishing,
UJ
[email protected]

[This message has been edited by united jigsticker (edited 08-30-2003).]

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