Eelpout Astronauts

[Guest]

NASA will be recruiting astronauts at the Eelpout 2002 festival<BR>in Walker, Minnesota in mid-February 2002. These few, brave <BR>men (and women?) will be traveling to Europa (one of the moons<BR>of Jupiter).<P>The mission is currently in the feasibility study phase.<P>Look for our booth at the Eelpout festival to sign up for the <BR>astronaut tryouts.<P>Successful candidates must be able to consume large quantities<BR>of beer and produce effective quantites of extra-hot urine. <BR>This may sound like a hoax, but it is based on sound scientific<BR>reasoning and it needs to be throughly investigated. <P>I am a researcher working with NASA (the space people) on <BR>mission-planning for an exobiological exploration of Europa (an <BR>ice moon of the planet Jupiter). As you probably know, Europa<BR>is expected to have a very deep salt-water ocean under a 10 mile<BR>thick crust of ice. Recent energy-flux calculations suggest <BR>that life exists in the ocean beneath the ice on this <BR>moon of Jupiter. The current mission profile calls for using a <BR>radioactive ball to melt thru the 10 mile thick ice crust to <BR>allow a robotic submarine to expore the ocean of Europa for <BR>signs of extraterrestial life. A landing craft would remain <BR>on the surface of Europa to relay radio signals from the robotic<BR>submarine to an orbiting ship that, in turn, would relay data <BR>back to Earth.<BR>Among other concerns, I worry that possible intellegent life <BR>in this ocean beneath the ice of this distant moon might respond<BR>to the radioactive ball as a hostile attack. We don't know what <BR>technology the Europs may use in a retalatory counter attack, <BR>but the potential for total annilation of the Earth is not beyond<BR>the realm of consideration. As an alternative,I have suggested <BR>to NASA the following method of melting an access to the core <BR>of the European moon ocean thru the 10 miles of ice.<P>NASA has responded with a $10 million research grant to fully<BR>investigate this concept.<P>Step 1. Recruit a few good men to work as astronauts to melt <BR>a core thru the ice using hot, kidney effluent.<BR>Step 2. The astronauts would form a line, each building on the <BR>progress of the astronaut before them.<BR>Step 3. After discharging their yellow contribution, the <BR>astronaut would return to the end of the line of astronauts and<BR>immediately begin drinking more beer to stimulate production <BR>of additional urine.<BR>Step 4. Step 3 would be repeated until the 10 mile core was <BR>melted.<P>I believe this approach is inherently safer than the radioactive<BR>route. An additional benefit is that if there is intellegent life<BR>on Europa, the Earth would have a group of fun-loving astronauts<BR>at the surface of Europa immediately available to meet and greet <BR>and party with the Europs.<P>cc: Jerry Garcia, Carl Sagan<P>

[berfish]

I suggest you talk to Vexilar and have them start progress on a FL-1800 for that deep of fishing.<BR>bf

[wastewaterguru]

Alrighty then....This could possibly be an excellent oppurtunity for some lucky anglers. I would imagine that any life-forms surviving at the pressures under 52,800 feet of ice (10 miles) would very much resemble an eelpout. Who better then to great our newfound friends than eelpout fisherman. Without question, NASA will request that these men bring a specimen back to Earth. Let's see....drunk eelpout fishermen traveling 3 years or more in space back to earth with one or more eelpout looking creatures just screaming "EAT ME". I just have this strange feeling that the Europians may actually respond better to a the threat of a nuclear attack rather than face the oppressive and voracious appetites of inebriated fishermen. I vote for the radioactive ball instead.<P><P>------------------<BR>To the lake I go with passion pure,<BR>And throw each day another lure.<BR>This surely keeps my marriage sound, <BR>Arguments are mute with no one around.<P>-wastewaterguru original