recovering from drugs and alcohol

[palisade1kid]

There's been this battle of do I or don't I make this post for well over a year now.

There are those who are continuely throwing rocks at me by going to my sponsors,fishing forums and the like trying to discredit me.

So in the interest of being honest,making amends to whomever possible and being responsible for my actions both in the past and the future I'm making this post.

A bit of history.....32 years ago my older brother was shot by one of his buddies while grouse hunting.It was a close range hit.

My brother died in my arms.I held him as his eyes fluttered and the wind left his lungs for the last time.

Being 14 at the time I was not able to handle let alone deal with what had happened.

my step father at the time did not either.

I became a sore spot in his eyes .

After his death he made known to me through his will that I was the one that should have died which he over the years proved out in more sbtle ways from the beatings I took.

Waking up in a pool of urine and fecal matter after being knocked unconcious was certainly proof.

Growing up was not easy having that burden to bear.

This is no excuse for what has happened in my life,just some backround to how I got to where I am today.

Over the years I've use pot and alcohol to kill the pain.It was also my crutch to deal with fear.

All of my adult life I've been in some sort of trouble .Mostly driving violations.

Until recently....

I had married a women with 2 young children.I knew her and her family as they were neighbors when I was growing up.Well those kids needed a dad and I was ready I thought at 32.

Those kids were very important to me and we did everything together.

I never did the drugs around them.

I taught my son how to hunt and fish and how to be an outdoorsman which at 20 he is a fine example of integrity and honesty.A hard worker and a giving soul.

My daughter is 17 and graduating from high school and moving on to secondary education.

I feel good about how they have turned out and they love me as dad.

4 years ago their epilectic mother got real bad with the seizures.

No matter what we did there was no controling it.

Well to make a long story short after 10 years I divorced her.

She retailiated with an order of protection.

I was crushed.She burnt out our house and left with the kids and my lab.I felt like I wanted to die having lost all contact with my children and my best hunting buddy.

I resorted to heavy pot use and when that was not strong enough to kill my pain I

went to cocain.

6 months goes by and I've lost 30 lbs.,massive $$$$ and I'm almost dead.

I was smoking the coke all weekend .Finaly I went to a friend that was in the AA program and told him of my problem.After leaving his home I went out to be by myself evading those that

would want me to use with them.

I was on this little lake for a 4 wheeler ride when I ran into this guy and gal.

We got to talking and the guy says to me ,can you find me a little something?I says what?

He says coke or meth?

My brain says 1 more time and this will be it.

Well it would not have been it ,except for he was a deputy off duty.

I called my dealer and set up a buy.

The guy drives me over and after getting the coke I was arrested.

There some other details ,but there it is.From the horses mouth.

I can now admit that I was out of control.I was on a path for death.I did not care who I hurt.

I was a miserable excuse for a human,but this is where the road makes a huge twist.

I had to make a choice.Keep on complying as I had done and when the focus was off me go back to my old ways or accept the fact that I an alcholic and chemically dependent.

Compliance has not worked do far so I had no other choice if I wanted to survive.

I've completed treatment,I went to court.Pled guilty to second degree sales and am now on electronic monitoring until Nov. of this year with 25 years of probation.

Since I've sobered up many things have changed in my life...thank GOD!

I've rebuilt some trust with my family,my boss and others who are close to me.

I'm able to develope a business in fishing as well as feel good enough about myself to start to help others sober up.

Fishing is now my life after my regular work day.

There is a direction I am heading that is very positive.

So I felt it was time to explain what happened and what is ahead of me.

I think that since I am a felon I should raise my hand and aknowlegde that to the general public.

There will be folks that no matter what think I should be avoided.I can understand that.

Hence this post.

There are those that have been involved with me to verify I've changed and am on my way

in this new sober life.

I'll admit there was this relapse awhile back ,but I've learned from it and I'm moving forward.

I attend AA every week,I have a sponsor in AA,I have a supoport group of several people

in AA,the fishing industry,local business people and my family.

So in closing I know the rocks will still be cast in my direction.I can handle that.I deserve that.

I know what I did in my old life is not acceptable by any standard and I am sorry

to those I have hurt.I know trust is a hard thing to earn ,yet I am motivated to earn it back given the chance.

God,grant me the serinity to accept the things I can not change,the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

[1forwalleye]

CK -

It took a lot of courage to write everything you did. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. You really seem like a nice guy. God Bless.

Don

[danwilliams]

Always welcome at my camp Keith..

Life is harder for some than others....mine has been Vietnam..i was a crew chief/ door gunner.....not all bad of a deal but took me a long time to realize why i often react and see things different than others.. Experienced...but at a price...

Enough of that....You doin good Hombre! Be seein ya sometime I'm sure.

Dan

[sweept]

Wishing you the best in the future.

[blackdog1101]

I'll share an ice house with you anytime Keith. You've taught me a lot, and helped me and my son have a lot of fun together this winter. It takes a lot of personal strength to make a post like this. Wishing you the best.

[DeeDee]

Good Luck CK,

Keep the faith. I'd fish with ya

[Rick]

Keith it looks like it took a fair amount of courage to write this.

My heart goes out for you. I can only imagine how tough a road you've been on and will continue to travel down as you fight your addictions.

I'm not so sure it belongs in this forum but I will leave it.

I am locking it. Your message is there and you can talk with us more personally as we meet you.