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Good laugh while wait'n 4 dark

19 posts in this topic

Someone reply with a joke of their own. Lets get a topic for tear jerkin'.

3 blondes are walking along a beach one day, and they find an old magic lamp that washed up on shore. They agree to attempt to "rub" the lamp and see if a magic jeanie would pop out. What do ya know, it's working says the first blonde. Out pops the jeanie and says " I will grant you 3 wishes...well since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each 1 wish. So the 1st blonde says " Ok, Ok.. I will go first. I want to be the smartest woman in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD!". The jeanie says "are you sure?" and the blonde says "absolutely". So the jeanie says "ok". *poof* she's the smartest woman in the world. The second blonde says "Okay, my turn. I want to be 10 times smarter than the first blonde". The jeanie says "are you sure?", and she says " Hell ya!". So then *poof* she is 10 times smarter than the first blonde. Then the third blonde says "Now it is my turn. I want to be 100 times smarter than the second blonde". The jeanie replys " Now are you sure?", and the third blonde says " Not a doubt in my mind", so the jeanie says "Okay, and *poof* he turns her into a MAN!! wink.gif

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Amartin@adamsnutandbolt.com

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YOU MIGHT BE A MINNESOTAN IF....

Your state pays a bounty for killing the state mascot.

You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by.

You keep the snow tires on your truck all year because it isn't worth
taking them off for only two months.

You believe that people rushing out on the lakes with their pickups in
November is nature's way of upgrading the state's gene pool.

You are proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each
year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation.

You like to come in out of the sun when the temperature gets above 72.

Your Dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.

You believe that REAL vehicles have skis in front and a loud motor under your seat.

You like the Winter Olympics better than the Summer Olympics.

You have never worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

You go to a high school basketball game, the score is 12-8 at half time, and you don't think there's anything strange about that.

You have ever had an entire telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.

You know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, and Shakopee.

You consider Lime Jell-O a highly versatile food: a breakfast dish when it's filled with fruit, a salad when it has shredded carrots and a dab of mayonnaise, and a dessert when topped with Cool Whip.

You never had to rewind any part of "Fargo" because you missed some of the dialogue.

You always believed that vacation meant "going up north."

Your home town has an annual festival honoring the only true "Gameish", the eelpout.

You Know where the "Iron Range" is. Worse yet, you have BEEN there.

You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.

You thank God every morning for not making you an Iowan, Wisconsinite or
North Dakotan.

You believe that bitter cold, a slippery surface and speed go together in both sport and on the interstate.

Everytime you see moonlight on a lake you think of a dancing bear, and sing, gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters....Hamm's, the beer refreshing, Hamm's the beer refreshing."

You think that 20 below is cool, 40 below is getting cold, and 60 below ain't bad if there's no windchill.

When people ask what you do in Minnesota in the summer, you reply, "Well, if it falls on the weekend we go to the lake."

You always make sure you have a can of cream of something soup in the cupboard just in case you need to make a hot dish for the church potluck.

You have refused to buy something because it's too "spendy."

You're a card-carrying member of both the NRA and the ACLU.

Your local Dairy Queen is closed for December.

You can recite, from memory, more than a half-dozen "Ole and Lena" jokes.

Your dog dies, your spouse leaves you, you lose your job, and your car breaks down, all on the same day, and your first thought is,
"It could be worse...It could be snowing..."

Last but not least, you lay planks onto the ice to get across open water to risk your life for one more ice fishing expedition.


Skeets grin.gif

[This message has been edited by Skeets (edited 04-06-2002).]

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Skeets

I thought this thread was about humor. All you pointed out was the obvious truth, I don't get it!!

Seriously, those were great. :-)

Roger [working, not fishing today :-( ]

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skeets; now THATs some funny stuf....thanks

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Does being a Minnesotan make you immune to being a redneck?? lol

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Ole went to a doctor at the Mayo Clinic: "I've got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."
Doctor: "Why, Ole, that sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"
Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."

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three bulls heard the farmer was bringin in a new bull and began to talk (first bull) ive been here the longest and im not givin up any of my 100 cows (second) im not givin up any of my 50 cows either (third) im the youngest and you two only let me have 10 im not givin any up either just then a semi pulls in with the biggest son of a bull they ever seen (first) well i dont really need 100 i can give him some (second) yah he can have some of mine too the third bull starts pawing the ground and shaking his horns,and snorting (first) son let me give you some advice and let him have some of your cows (third) sh*t he can have all my cows just lettin him know im a bull

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IT`S GREAT TO BE A MAN
your orgasms are real. always
your last name stays put
you never stop a friend from getting lucky
hot wax never comes near your nether regions
the garage is all yours
wedding plans take care of themselves
chocolate is just another snack
you can be president
you can wear a white t-shirt to a waterpark
mechanics tell you the truth
you dont care about your new haircut
if you retain water its in a canteen
porn movies are made with you in mind
you canopen all your own jars
you dont have to drive to another gas station because this ones icky
same work...more pay
wrinkles add character
wedding dress 5,000 tux rental 100
people dont stare at your chest when talking to you

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Two old guys head out fishing after renting a boat from the resort. They had fantastic luck, with their limits in a very short time. One old gentlemen says to the other, we really have to come back here tomorrow this is the best fishing I've ever had. His buddy says, YA but how do we mark the spot. The other guy says we'll mark a big X in the bottom of the boat, to which his buddy replies, What happens if we don't get the same boat!!!!!!!!!! This must have been before the Vexi's...........

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Ole and Swen took the old Nissan for one last trip on Upper Red. The bent up blue and white plate and rust holes told where the boys were from... Good Ole Minnesoooota. With Ole driving and Swen navigating, they promtly hit a soft spot and disappeared from sight. (might have been a pressure ridge)

Next thing they know, they're in Hades and talking with Satan. Satan puts them in a room and turns up the heat. He comes to check on Ole and Swen and they are having a good ole time. For the first time in a long time they have their parkas off and are kicking back enjoying the warmth. The devil askes, "How can you be enjoying this unbearable heat??" Ole replys, "We're from Minnesoooota ya know and it's always freezing there. This feels nice for a change."

Then Satan gets a little upset with the boys from Minnesoooota and turns the heat up even higher. He returns to check on them, only to find them stripped down to their long johns having a cold Hams and kicked back in their lawn chairs. The Devil is furious now and asks, "How can it be that you boys are enjoying this unbearable heat?" Swen replies, "We're from Minnesoooota ya know, and it's always freezing there, this feels nice for a change."

Satan decides he has to rethink how to punish these guys from Minnesoooota, Seeing they're enjoying all the heat Hades can muster, reverse extremes may work on them. Satan turns the heat off and the cold on in Ole and Swens room. -70 degrees when Satan returns to the room and Ole and Swen have their winter clothes back on. Pack boots, parkas, insulated bibs and chopper mittens. they are jumping up and down laughing, smiling, toasting with their Hams cans. Satan is furious and askes why is it they are so happy? It's no longer warm, What can it be???

Ole and Swen say to the Devil in unision. "We have to celebrate now, with Hades freezing over, means only one thing. The Vikes must have won a super bowl!"

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Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to get paid?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

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One cold, windy winters day, Kelly, Donny and Timmy all piled into Kelly’s truck to go “exploring” for the next new crappie hot-spot. Unfortunately, the lake just was not safe, and they broke through and drown.

However, since they have all been such fine, upstanding men most of their lives.. they went straight to heaven.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter said… hello… for once you are all right on time!

Here in heaven, we only have a few simple rules and they are all on this list for you to read, but I feel that I have to reiterate the most important one… ALL ducks here are protected. If you even think about harming one… the consequences are beyond description.

The three took the warning seriously, and agreed to abide by the warning and all the other rules, whereupon they were issued wings and allowed to enter.

Wouldn’t you know it, on the first day, while walking around a corner and looking up… Donny inadvertently stepped on a duck…. killing it instantly!!

*Poof* St. Peter arrived, looked at the scene, shook his head and said…. You have just broken the most important law in heaven… you have killed a duck. Your punishment will be to spend eternity with the ugliest, meanest, shrew of a woman that has ever existed. You will be her constant companion…. Forever!!!

And he was.

It was so bad, that pretty soon Timmy and Kelly just didn’t want to hang around Donny any more and they drifted apart. Well, wouldn’t you know it, but one day, while not paying much attention, Timmy tripped, and fell right on a duck… killing it.

*Poof* here comes St Peter, and *poof* there is poor Timmy… in the same situation as poor old Donny.

It didn’t take long for Kelly to loose poor old Timmy and decide his life would be far, far better spent alone than with these two guys.

Time goes by, and one day, months later, Timmy and Donny are sitting on a park bench with their wives, feeding the ducks when who should they see, but Kelly. And with him is his unbelievably beautiful, kind, sexy, fun, smart, young wife!!!

Timmy and Donny are just stunned. They go find St. Peter and ask what in the world is going on.

St Peter looked at them, shrugged his shoulders and said “Isn’t it obvious? She stepped on a duck….”

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Greetings from California. Still no answer from the DNR but I wait patiently! Sorry to read they closed the lake. Thought I'd weigh in with this Ole & Lena now that here's plenty o' time on everyone's hands...

Well, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and droveback to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting,"said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"




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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there with dark shades on.
She says, ''Excuse me, sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''
He says, ''Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.''
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, ''That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00.''
She says, ''That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it.''

He walks behind the counter to the register.
Just then, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her- being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, ''That will be $25.50.'' She says, ''But didn't you say it was $20.00?''
He says, ''Yes, ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2..50.''

Pearls of Wisdom

1.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.

3. There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.(YUP!!)

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

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What's the difference between a hog and a man? A hog doesn't have to drink alcohol to hump a pig!!!

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What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine!

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken!!!

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Peeing in the bath in disgusting!!!

How are twisters, tornadoes, and marriage alike? They all begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house!!!

What's worse than lipstick on your collar?
Leg makeup on your ears!!!

How did the blonde die from drinking milk? The cow stepped on her!!

Pretty tastless jokes I must admit!

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NO OFFENSE TO ANY IOWAN'S HERE....

2 IOWAN'S WHERE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD WHEN SUDDENLY, ONE SEE'S A MAN SITTING OUT IN A CORN FIELD IN A BOAT! 1 OF THE IOWAN'S ON THE ROAD SAYS TO THE OTHER " THAT GUY CAN'T ROW A BOAT IN A CORN FIELD!!" THE OTHER IOWAN REPLIES " YA, WHAT'S HE THINKING. YOU SHOULD GO TELL HIM THAT HE IS NO WHERE NEAR A LAKE." AND THE FIRST IOWAN SAYS " I CAN'T GO TELL HIM THAT, I DON'T HAVE A BOAT.

------------------
Amartin@adamsnutandbolt.com

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Send this warning to everyone on your E mail list. If a man comes to your front door and says hes conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits. "DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS". This is a scam he only wants to see your tits.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Signed the Blonde

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Humor is a good thing and needed by all, but we need to keep it clean and non- derrogatory!! Remember there are youth who visit this site for fishing information and what you think is funny might not be to others!

Back to fishing, if anyone does that anymore??

Jim W

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